The Yearbook Office
Writings on staying alive

We know that you hate Zooey Deschanel. She is the WORST. But have you ever thought about why she makes you so angry? Take this short quiz to help you work it out!

Question 1: Why do you think you hate Zooey Deschanel so much?

A. Because I'm Parker Posey, and it never occurred to me to learn ukulele

B. Because I just hate whimsey

C. Because she reminds me of the model in a Land's End catalogue that I first ever masturbated to. My mom caught me and I blame the model for not warning me even though she was just a photograph.

Question 2: Finish the sentence. "If Zooey Deschanel was on fire I'd _______"

A. Shout, "Too bad you're not Un-dork-flammable!"

B. Put her out, but not until she promised to break the spell she's been using to control M. Ward all of these years.

C. Ask her if she got that fire on Etsy, because it is CU-UTE.

Question 3: You find yourself in the same room as Zooey Deschanel. What do you do?

A. Run up to her, scream "HELLO, GIGGLES!" and throw my drink in her face.

B. Scalp her hair into a wig (with the perfect bangs) to wear as a crown, signifying my rightful place as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl Who Mounts The World and then teaches it the power of love through awkward silence.

C. Is she really over there? Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod, if I turn this way I can take a selfie that looks like I am standing next to her.

Question 4: Can you think of at least one nice thing to say about Zooey Deschanel?

A. I could probably make a fortune in the Colored Tights futures market every time she makes a new movie.

B. Her musical taste is basically the exact same as mine. Though I have excellent taste and yet I HATE HER.

C. Say what you want about New Girl, but for being a comedy it at least has some jokes.

Question 5: But really, why do you think you hate Zooey Deschanel so much? You can tell me.

A. Because my parents died when a rogue deer jumped in front of their car on a dark night and they swerved off a cliff. Whenever I look into her large doe eyes I just see that goddamn deer and my blood starts to boil.

B. Because she married my one true love, Ben Gibbard, and then had the nerve to divorce him! Does she not realize he and I were fated to be together because the freckles in my eyes perfectly align with the freckles in his eyes, I mean I have this retina scan I got off eBay that proves it!

C. Because I find myself incapable of accepting the notion that a woman can choose to enjoy whimsical and often childlike things and still be a mature adult who makes those choices for herself, and to dismiss her based solely on her aesthetic choices is to ignore the fact that she seems to be a fairly talented actress and singer who has achieved a high level of success through hard work. Also, tomato soup.