(Previously: Why Do You Hate Zooey Deschanel? A Quiz)
Sure, we all hate Arcade Fire. This chart-topping, Grammy-winning, multiple Gold record-having band of utter nobodies has come to be the living, breathing, concertina-cranking embodiment of the word “Hipster.” And what is a Hipster, you might ask? Well, heck, we ALL know the definition of that word, but I’ll define it in clear, understandable, concrete terms as this very noisy train passes by.
You see, a “Hipster” unequivocally is
with locally-sourced Warby Parker aftershave. And that’s that. Glad we’re all clear on this.
So the question is, WHY do we hate Arcade Fire? This is an important question to answer, because as we all know, people on the internet don’t just hate things to hate things, or to look cool, or to feel superior, or because it’s easier than forming an opinion, or because Nick Denton withholds their salaries if they don’t. So we’ve developed this easy multiple-choice test to determine once and for all why Arcade Fire’s the worst thing to happen to everyone everywhere since anyone ever did anything.
Question 1: Why do you think you hate Arcade Fire?
A. Because every other band who has released any music since 2004 sounds exactly like them and this is ALL THEIR FAULT. (For further on this phenomenon, please read Mr. Cagan’s magnum opus, “PEARL JAM, NICKELBACK, AND THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY OF SUCKAGE”)
B. Because I was #27 on the list of potential members but they decided to cut it off at 26.
C. Because I am Dan Bejar and I hitched my wagon to the wrong Canadian pop band.
Question 2: Finish this sentence: "I used to LOVE Arcade Fire, but ___________"
A. "Then everyone else started liking them, and they weren't cool anymore."
B. "Then everyone else started hating them, and I wasn't cool anymore."
C. "Could somebody just tell me I'm cool? I have money. I'll give it to you. Please, just go on the internet and tell everyone I'm cool so the dreams stop haunting me"
Question 3: What do you think of their new album?
A. I put it on last tuesday and I’m still listening to it. I should have an opinion on it when it wraps up in the next few weeks.
B. It’s nothing like their old sound I hated, they’ve sold out and become an entirely different band I don’t like.
C. Wait, they’re a band? I thought they all ran a gastropub together. That’s why I haven’t received my charred brussels sprouts yet. Can I talk to a manger?
Question 4: Arcade Fire has committed so many sins against pop culture, but the worst of them is...
A. Having Bowie only sing three words on the new single when really what they should have done was make him sing the whole record and "Jean Genie" a few times to boot.
B. Appearing in the hastily-made sudden-fame cash-in spring break musical comedy, “From Justin To Kelly To Win To Régine To Richard To William To Jeremy To Tim To Josh To Alan To Myles To Brendan To Dane To Another Tim To Howard To Sarah.”
C. Enjoying themselves immensely.
Question 5: When was the first time you remember hating Arcade Fire?
A. When they won that Grammy. I mean, who even wins Grammys anyway? LOSERS.
B. When I went to an Arcade Fire show. I believe crowd participation at concerts should solely consist of clapping and yelling "woo" and none of this bible camp sing along group hug hippy dippy bullshit.
C. When they announced that all attendees to their shows should dress in formalwear. Even though I can afford $210 front-row tickets I refuse to buy a $10 suit from Goodwill.
Question 6: But really, why do you hate Arcade Fire?
A. Haitian French-Canadian ladies twirlling around with ribbons on stage secretly turns me on, but I refuse to acknowledge it.
B. Because I wanted to lead a band dressed like Crispin Glover playing an old-west undertaker and/or the dude who checked IDs at Plato’s Retreat, and they robbed me of that opportunity.
C. Because as much as I complain that the Billboard charts and pop music is a monolithic mass of writhing Disney starlets, R&B sung by hot robots, and whatever the fuck it is Imagine Dragons does, the split-second I am confronted with a successful band that engenders feelings of optimism and togetherness, along with a willingness to play with the idea of how a successful band “should” and “shouldn’t” behave, my butt-hole shrinks to the diameter of a kitten’s whisker and I lash out against them with the red-hot intensity of a thousand burning suns. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, they all look like they’re really enjoying themselves, and as we all know, that is literally the worst sin you can commit on the internet, if not the entire world. In summation, they can suck it, and where the hell are my charred brussels sprouts? Screw this, I’m going to Mumford & Sons.
Please print up your completed tests, and send them to:
Banjo L. Cagan
Content Supervisor, Yearbook Office
43 Surnset Blrv, Suite #Y
Lah Angelwood, CS, 9029232-0003