Summer Fashion Fun!!
It's hot outside! Summer only comes once a year (unless climate change finally gives us eternal summer), but what are you supposed to wear? We've got summer fashion fun tips for every beach picnic, pool lounging, and divorce party you can think of, so un-thaw your credit card out of the freezer and start your shopping engines! Vroom vroom!
So You're Going To...
The Beach (any): Beach fun calls for beach style! And beach style means feeling terrible about your body. You can be one of those weirdos who's self conscious and wear a one-piece, or you can own your terrible feelings about your body and suffer with the rest of us by wearing a cute, flesh-revealing bikini! This season's styles range from the classic triangle top to ruffles, bows, and other Lolita touches that confuse people. Be sure to pack a cooler full of Pucker Watermelon Wow Vodka to stay hydrated!
Your local municipal park: Someone, probably one of your poorer friends, decided to host a birthday in the park rather than a swingin' shindig at the W. Go with a floral print sundress or cutoffs with a band t-shirt of a band whose music you've never listened to, but have seen in the window of a vintage boutique. Think comfortable cotton, or go Full Diddy in all white anything. Hey, they're the poor one for throwing a party in the park, not you!
Walt Disney World/Tourist Traps: Wherever you're vacationing this summer, it's probably swarming with people. Focus on modesty versus turning into these swarms, what with their matching tees that announce which family they are a part of. Opt for flowing skirts and crisp dresses like you'd see a young Italian starlet wear in the fifties in nautical prints. The key is to be classy, not a bag of sluts.
Jumping the fence and/or lying to get into a hotel pool: It's hot outside, and all you can think about is jumping into a giant hole of water. Cool down by the pool lounge in a sarong. You might argue that a sarong is impossible to wear, and it doesn't really matter, what with the sun beating down on you as if someone were holding a massive magnifying glass and trying to burn you. Trust us when we say a sarong is necessary, even if you never wear it. You'll look good in it after you sneak into someone else's paid-for cabana. Be sure to order some Pucker Watermelon Wow Vodka for everyone breaking the law with you!
Some Idiot's Wedding: Planning on going to a summer wedding, perhaps an old college roommate or a cousin you don't really see? It's summertime, but it's still a formal event. Put on your Sunday best in bursting, vibrant colors and patterns. We know it's super annoying that you have to spend a perfectly good Saturday adjusting your Spanx and binging on shrimp cocktails, but it's a summer rite of passage we all must endure. And hey, maybe it won't be all that bad. Maybe they'll be serving throwback craft cocktails, like the PuWaWow: Pucker Watermelon Wow Vodka with freshly squeezed watermelon juices.
What would any summer outfit be without the proper accessories? Let us continue to guide you on your summer fashion journey into the blazing temperatures caused by climate change...
Tips for Accessorizing:
Pick big sunglasses. Think of Jackie O – if you're very young, she was a woman who married rich twice and is known for her giant sunglasses. The bigger, the better! No one needs to see your eyebrows or cheekbones during the summer, since they know those parts of your body can't possibly look good in this heat anyway.
Always wear sunscreen. This is a no-brainer, but when you tan for a full day, it's best to at least pretend you care about your skin and lightly dab some on. We like the kind that smells like coconut best. We're pretty sure it has SPF in it.
ESPADRILLES!! Jute – it's not just for weird hippie furniture anymore, it's also for your feet. Slide into a pair of espadrille wedges, heels, sandals, flats, or jute shoes (espadrilles with a kitten heel). You'll look like a million bucks, but it'll cost next to nothing, because it's made of jute, a plant no one knows what to do with!
Summer looks super cool, but that's because you're remembering summer break when you were a kid. The actual season of summer is full of hotness and humidity that'll turn any blowout into Beetlejuice. But don't let the impending doom of the melting polar ice caps or seriously insane seasonal weather ruin your summer! Here are some quick ways to beat the heat:
- Eat ice cream for every meal
- Discard the bra in favor of letting your boobs sweat instead
- Stick your butt/babymaker in the refrigerator at work
- Collect dripping makeup in a mason jar to use again next day
- Twirl in circles to create a manmade breeze
- Set up Kickstarter to buy every fan at Costco
- Run headfirst into Chinese restaurant aquarium
- Go to Alaska and/or locations with a hurricane season
- Hallucinate mirages
- Suck on Pucker Watermelon Wow Vodka ice cubes (freeze vodka, pop in mouth)
And Now, A Thank You
The news is true: we will no longer be in print, and instead are converting to a completely digital platform! Fear not, readers -- you'll still be able to access our exciting fashion, beauty, and accessories content for free, just without us, the paid writers with decades of journalism experience! Free interns from NYU will be taking over, making my life's work meaningless...some might say! I like to think that I've provided people with a service, just like Pucker Watermelon Wow Vodka can provide anyone with a light, refreshing vodka beverage that's sure to make any evening more bearable. So thank you for your years of reading, and I look forward to the next great adventure – finding love on the island of Manhattan! Calling Hollywood to make a movie of my life! Just kidding! You're probably not even reading this far, you're searching Instagram for hot dog pictures!
This post has been a paid advertisement by Pucker Watermelon Wow Vodka. Pucker up and taste the wow!