The Yearbook Office
Writings on staying alive

To: Security staff
From: Facility Administrator

Hello to all my brave, handsome and expendable members of the Fort DoomBad security staff,

Effective immediately, security staff are to relocate all red barrels of gasoline to the yard behind the Fort. Now I know it was a joyous day when that convoy of trucks broke down outside our front gate, yielding a bounty of hundreds of barrels of fuel able to keep us warm through the long winter.

We do not get a lot of good news here at Fort DoomBad, and just the sight of those bright red barrels was enough to conjure the memories of that happy day for many. And while we had some success with our morale-boosting "One barrel per patrol route!" program, we have discovered that a single stray bullet can set these sitting deathtraps into a blaze of fire in a second. Do you want your memory of the last good thing that happened to you to go up in literal flames? I think not. So get 'em out back, we already have a big pile started and just heap 'em on there for now and feel that much safer.

In other safety news, as of this morning we have blocked off all access to the east courtyard. We have found that during attacks, we have the highest casualty rates in areas with clear sightlines and only partial cover. This has something to do with the fact that our intruders seem to be able to take a man down with only a shot to any visible body part while crouched behind a knee-high cardboard box, but we are in no position to question the findings.

As you well know, the east courtyard is filled solely with three foot high cement block sculptures and it turns into a real bloodbath any time an intruder gets in there. We solicited quotes on replacing the sculptures with some guard stations or maybe just six foot walls, but you know how hard it can be to find a reliable contractor this far out of the city.

Which brings me to my next point. The people who try to get inside Fort DoomBad (and frankly, always succeed because our exterior perimeter has not been repaired since the cold war. Again, contractors. Sigh.) are not like you or your co-workers. These people are inhuman. You might think that a single gunshot wound is enough to take someone out of a fight, as would seem reasonable, but it barely touches these intruders. You could pump an entire clip into one of these superhuman terrors, but let them hide around the corner for a few seconds and they are as good as new.

So if you find yourself in a gunfight, hold down that trigger and do not let go. Do not peek your head out to see if you hit someone, always assume you missed (because we both know you missed, I get the weekly accuracy reports from the range) and just keep firing. You know that we have plenty of ammunitions available, we have crates of bullets in every room so full the ammo is just overflowing out of them. Please use them.

Do you even remember how bad it was the last time one of these psychopaths got loose inside Fort DoomBad? Of course not, he murdered everyone! It took us three months to get staffed back up, I had to remain on-site the entire time and my skin cannot stand the cold, dry air here. I burned through three tubes of moisturising face cream and that stuff is not cheap.

I guess what I am trying to say is that while you might not feel important to our mission here, just think: you did not spend 24 years in virtual military training and three months in a cloning vat only to go down as cannon fodder in an instant. You are much better than that, but self-confidence starts with you. You can do it! I believe in you!

And for crying out loud people, pull the alarm. We have the best rated alarm system in the empire, just pull it and a hundred of your peers will converge on your location (guns already firing!). This is way beyond "if you see something, say something", more like "if you see something, fire your gun constantly and pull the alarm so everyone else can do the same."

I know it sounds like I am being extreme, but we have had a series of incidents recently that could have easily been prevented. Constant vigilance, people! Let's role play some likely scenarios:

  • If your patrol buddy does not report in, try pulling the alarm before you go looking for them!

  • If you come across the body of another security staff member, maybe pull the alarm instead of going to look for your supervisor!

  • If you find yourself unexpectedly waking up on the floor in a closet or dark office, just pull the fucking alarm instead of heading back to your patrol route and pretending you just took a nap!

You are the first line of defence here at Fort DoomBad. (Quite literally with all the holes in the fence!) As always, security staff members do not have the clearance to know Fort DoomBad's true purpose or what exactly happens below sub-basement B3, but rest assured that the work being done is so vital that our enemies send their best soldiers, albeit one at a time for some unknown reason, to break in and steal our secrets. Haters gonna hate, as the kids say, so while on your patrol routes be sure to hold your head up high knowing that your job is of utmost importance.

Now if you will excuse me, I have just received word that Camp EvilNasty has been attacked and I need to be on-site immediately to get their cloning vats fired up. I guess it is not all bad, they say it is a dry heat out there and my skin could use the break.